April 12th, 2003

Never underestimate the power of your TV guide. That's what I've learned today. My TV guide has been off completely. Movies coming on at the wrong times. Shows swapping timeslots. Different episodes of the shows I've been promised. It's been wrong on just about everything today. It has me checking the time every thirty seconds, making sure I'm on the right page, looking at the calendar for the date, everything. As far as I know it is Saturday, it is April, it is the 12th, and it is 11:51 p.m. So why the hell am I writing about my TV guide being wrong? Well... It has me completely messed up.

I had no idea a TV guide could do this to you. I feel disoriented, confused, anxious, and worst of all; bored. Has this ever happened to you? It has me so messed up, I want slapped. I feel like this is a terribly boring episode of the Twilight Zone. Five minutes ago I wanted to go run down the street. What the hell is wrong with me? I think I've stumbled upon a new disease here. Extreme Disorientation Due to Incorrect TV Guide Listings. Wow. Now I know I have some real time on my hands.

Extreme Disorientation Due to Incorrect TV Guide Listings

Having read the above two paragraphs, you should know the following information, but for those of you with ADD or mental retardation, I'll re-submit all the info.

Cause(s):
1. Incorrect TV guide listings

Symptoms:
1. Disorientation
2. Anxiety
3. Anger
4. Chronic clock checking
5. Chronic calendar checking
6. Channel surfing
7. (In extreme cases) Burning during urination

Alternative Names:
Damn You, Worthless TV Guide!

Treatment:
DVDs/VHS tapes
or
Dialing random phone numbers and swearing at people
or
Throwing things

I hope this has helped someone out there.