Michael Jackson: Moonwalker

ocnwo hbk of dx: MJ: Moonwalker
ocnwo hbk of dx: There's a video game called that
ocnwo hbk of dx: Its for Sega
NAW Chris: yeah bob told me last night
ocnwo hbk of dx: Gensis
ocnwo hbk of dx: Its fun!
NAW Chris: i need to get some of those hack games
NAW Chris: mario tokes a doobie. ha i bet that's funny as hell
ocnwo hbk of dx: I went to school to get some of my makeup work and my friend installed it on my computer for me
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: what do you do
NAW Chris: molest children?
 

Homework

NAW Chris: guess what i'm doing. here's a few hints. i only do it a few times a month
NAW Chris: on second thought, that's the only hint you get
ocnwo hbk of dx: Wanking it?
NAW Chris: i said a few times a month not a few times every day
ocnwo hbk of dx: Hahaha, sir, "I make fake rock and I mix it with the hip pop"
ocnwo hbk of dx: What sir?
NAW Chris: guess, you fucking bitch
ocnwo hbk of dx: Looking at porn sir?
NAW Chris: no
NAW Chris: we talked about it earlier, sir
NAW Chris: there's another hint
NAW Chris: it's homework you shit head
NAW Chris: homework!
NAW Chris: god
NAW Chris: you fucking retard
ocnwo hbk of dx: Playing those games sir?
NAW Chris: i already told you
NAW Chris: what the hell is wrong with you?
 

Nick's Away Message

In order to fully enjoy this little conversation Dennis and I had back on June 1st 2002, you have to know what Nick's away message used to be. For a while he'd have "Touch my mind with beautiful dreams, while you hold me as I sleep." Dennis and I, of course, just had to mock that relentlessly. So here's everything we could come up with...

ocnwo hbk of dx: Touch my mind with beautiful sheep, while they screw me and go BAAAA as I sleep
ocnwo hbk of dx: Hahaha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh sir that cracked me up
ocnwo hbk of dx: SIRE'E'EEEEE
ocnwo hbk of dx: Are you dere?
NAW Chris: Nick has sex with sheep in his mind, a little after 10 o'clock, his bed time.
ocnwo hbk of dx: Say something in Vinny sir
NAW Chris: i'm dere
ocnwo hbk of dx: Hahaha, good one
NAW Chris: no thank you
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick rapes goats in the sunshine, but he licks monkeys at his bedtime
ocnwo hbk of dx: Yours was better
NAW Chris: ha
NAW Chris: hmmm
NAW Chris: i can't think of another
ocnwo hbk of dx: Touch nick's nuts with beautiful creeps, while they hold him as he sleeps
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha that sucked
NAW Chris: haha
NAW Chris: it made no sense at all
NAW Chris: that's why it's funny
ocnwo hbk of dx: Touch nick's nipples with random insults, while they thrill him as he peeps
ocnwo hbk of dx: That was so bad it wasn't funny
NAW Chris: yeah
ocnwo hbk of dx: Rape Nick's mind with glorious pedofiles, while you whack him as he beats it
ocnwo hbk of dx: hmm
ocnwo hbk of dx: Well sir I'm retarded
NAW Chris: Anal sex with men is a lock
For Nick after 10 o'clock
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Sir we're so mean to Nick
NAW Chris: yeah and it's funny
NAW Chris: Nick's bedtime is at 10 o'clock, then he beats it with a sock.
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick has his license when he's getting made fun of, but when he goes to college at UT, his parents drive him there with lots of love
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
NAW Chris: ha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick dreams of a gorgeous babe, because he's never been laid
NAW Chris: haha
NAW Chris: good one
ocnwo hbk of dx: Thanks
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick fingers his asshole, because he craves his own moles
NAW Chris: haha that makes no sense either
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha nope
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick loves his sister, because her title is mister
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick wants to fly in a plane, so his away messages wouldn't be so lame
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nick has 0 iq, because his penis can't come within eye view
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha geez
NAW Chris: Where Nick's penis should be, there is instead nothing to see
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh friend
ocnwo hbk of dx: Craig loves Nick because he has a big hole, Nick loves Craig because he's got a lotta moles
 

Scissorhands vs. Hands Holding Scissors

ocnwo hbk of dx: EDWARD SISSCORHANDS COMMERICAL
ocnwo hbk of dx: Are you up for it
NAW Chris: no
ocnwo hbk of dx: Do you not like it
NAW Chris: it's stupid
ocnwo hbk of dx: Man if I was that guy I dunno if I'd use my sisscorhands for good or evil
NAW Chris: how are you going to use scissors for either?
ocnwo hbk of dx: I don't think you've even seen sisscorhands
ocnwo hbk of dx: You'd know if you did
NAW Chris: i saw it when i was like ten
NAW Chris: don't accuse me of lying or i'll break your neck
ocnwo hbk of dx: Well like he gives haircuts and trims hedges and other stuff, and he can also use them for DESTRUCTION
NAW Chris: well what the hell can you do with scissor hands that you can do by just holding a pair of scissors
ocnwo hbk of dx: STAB, PICK LOCKS, CUT THINGS
NAW Chris: what's the difference between scissor hands and just regular scissors? regular scissors can pick locks, stab, and cut things too. if you want to use scissor hands for good or evil, just hold two pair of scissors and do it
ocnwo hbk of dx: He has very big sisscor hands, and they're not just sisscors, they're like blades that he can put together as sisscors
NAW Chris: JUST HOLD KNIVES THEN YOU FUCKING IDIOT
ocnwo hbk of dx: It's not the same, then you're having to USE your hands to OPERATE them, they aren't apart of you, you can't be dissarmed, you see!
NAW Chris: having them as your hands is a disadvantage!
NAW Chris: what if you're robbing and your pants fall down?
NAW Chris: you'd cut your manhood off before you got them back up
ocnwo hbk of dx: He can still grab things
NAW Chris: barely anything
ocnwo hbk of dx: He learns how to dress himself
NAW Chris: you're a fucking retard
NAW Chris: this conversation ends now
ocnwo hbk of dx: Hahaha
 

Our Earnings

NAW Chris: how much do you make an hour?
NAW Chris: $0.00
ocnwo hbk of dx: No....
ocnwo hbk of dx: More than that
ocnwo hbk of dx: $0.001
NAW Chris: nice
ocnwo hbk of dx: Because at least once a week I'll find a penny
NAW Chris: come work for me and i'll double that
ocnwo hbk of dx: Whoa! Okay!!!!
NAW Chris: sir, .001 x 168 (number of hours in a week) puts you at 17 cents a week rounded up
NAW Chris: so you better get to finding more pennies
ocnwo hbk of dx: Whoa
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: cause if you don't, you lied to me to get more money out of me
NAW Chris: and i'll take you to court for that
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh sir
NAW Chris: wait
NAW Chris: i made a mistake with my calculations
NAW Chris: oh fuck it
 

Fruit Flies

ocnwo hbk of dx: SIR
NAW Chris: what!?
ocnwo hbk of dx: There's some fruit bugs in here or whatever they are called
NAW Chris: fruit flies
ocnwo hbk of dx: Yeah those really little things
ocnwo hbk of dx: I have my shirt off and they like my untan belly. They are sexing it and I can feel it.
NAW Chris: damn them! damn them to fruitless hell!
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: haha
NAW Chris: they're moving in on my territory!
ocnwo hbk of dx: Sir one just orgasmed.... oooooooh
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Crazyness sir
NAW Chris: oh you
ocnwo hbk of dx: Hey guess what
ocnwo hbk of dx: Blowjobs are good
ocnwo hbk of dx: AND IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN
ocnwo hbk of dx: WHEN DENNIS LOOKS UP PORN LINKS
ocnwo hbk of dx: WANT SOME LINKS SIR!?!??!?!
NAW Chris: no thanks
ocnwo hbk of dx: All this talk about fruit flies has got me wet
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
 

Crazy David

NAW Chris: i'm talking to that half drunk guy i work with
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: he tried to sell me this blockbuster card he had for five free rentals
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Why?
NAW Chris: he was collecting for a breast cancer charity and i wouldn't give him any money so he tried to sell me free blockbuster rentals for $20
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh ha
NAW Chris: i still never gave him any money
NAW Chris: watch me get breast cancer now
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: oh god! i feel a lump!
 

Dennis' Poetry

For a time, Dennis frequented Poetry.com. There, Poetry.com would provide you a list of random words you can arrange to make a poem. Here are a few "poems" Dennis was able to come up with.

ocnwo hbk of dx: At poetry.com where they give you the words to use
ocnwo hbk of dx: I put "I rented you for your dusty crack because I feel lonely without my wife
NAW Chris: what?
ocnwo hbk of dx: You remember that poetry in motion thing?
NAW Chris: yeah
NAW Chris: oh
NAW Chris: you pieced that line together
NAW Chris: that's great
ocnwo hbk of dx: Look at this one, the one I'm summiting
ocnwo hbk of dx: submitting
ocnwo hbk of dx: So much possessions
I filled the time
So now old junk reveal the crack
 

Dennis' Arm

ocnwo hbk of dx: My arm hurts, my jackoff muscle in my arm
ocnwo hbk of dx: But its not my jackoff arm
NAW Chris: haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Its my right arm that hurts.... I'm left handed
NAW Chris: thank god, huh?
ocnwo hbk of dx: Last week on saturday my shoulder hurt and I couldnt' sleep
ocnwo hbk of dx: The same kind of pain that I'm having in my arm
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh friend
NAW Chris: uh oh
NAW Chris: i think you're having a series of slight heart attacks
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
NAW Chris: heart attacks are no laughing matter
NAW Chris: you have those confused with hitting your funny bone i think
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Brb, I gotta go get something to eat at Hardee's, KFC, or Taco Bell..... Which should it be friand?
NAW Chris: KFC
ocnwo hbk of dx: Okay... I'm getting Hardee's :-)
NAW Chris: dick
ocnwo hbk of dx: Nah, I'll go get some Whataburger
NAW Chris: all that fast food will only make your heart attacks worse
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha

Wang

NAW Chris: there's a guy on the mavericks named "Wang"
...
NAW Chris: they just said "Wang doesn't like it in deep"
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha, woo!
 

A Chris Farley Line

ocnwo hbk of dx: ocnwo hbk of dx: I'm foking great, you?
NSWTheAnt: I'ma doin fime for now]
ocnwo hbk of dx: Thats great!
ocnwo hbk of dx: Grand
ocnwo hbk of dx: AAAAAAAND wonderful!
NAW Chris: i'll need a hefty cash settlement for that... you stealing the line i rightfully stole from a dead chris farley
ocnwo hbk of dx: Well if I killed you would it be alright for me to use?
NAW Chris: yes
NAW Chris: but only if you kill me
 

Away Message

ocnwo hbk of dx: My Mom talked to my dad forever
NAW Chris: I am away from my computer right now.
ocnwo hbk of dx: No you're not
NAW Chris: yes i am
ocnwo hbk of dx: No you're not dammit
NAW Chris: you wanna bet!?
ocnwo hbk of dx: I will sting you with my testies
 

Fucking Genius Spiders

NAW Chris: i think i'll start watching Behind Enemy Lines
NAW Chris: only IM if there's an emergency
NAW Chris: maybe not even then
ocnwo hbk of dx: Yes sir
ocnwo hbk of dx: AHHHHHH SPIDER
NAW Chris: oh god i got here as fast as i could
NAW Chris: is everything all right?
ocnwo hbk of dx: Dude, that was fucking freaky
ocnwo hbk of dx: You said that and I looked down and there was a spider by my feet
ocnwo hbk of dx: I'm serious too....
ocnwo hbk of dx: I was so scared
ocnwo hbk of dx: When he comes out from under the stove I'm killing him
NAW Chris: i'll scare him out for you... *stomps feet*
ocnwo hbk of dx: Thanks sir
NAW Chris: did he come out?
NAW Chris: this'll get 'em *turns lights on and off frantically*
ocnwo hbk of dx: Will it?
ocnwo hbk of dx: I GOT HIM!
NAW Chris: told you it'd get him out
ocnwo hbk of dx: He just sat there and let me kill him, I saw him from the computer and I walked over there, he was just still... sitting there, then I stomped his ass
ocnwo hbk of dx: Thank you
NAW Chris: the turning on and off of the lights disoriented him
NAW Chris: you're confused. i'll explain further. the rapid flashing made everything look as though it was still. like a strobe light. he saw you approaching but he saw you for just a split second at a time so it didn't seem as though you were actually moving toward him. by the time his little brain realized you were moving in, he had a shoe coming down on him
ocnwo hbk of dx: Is that true, sir?
NAW Chris: yes
NAW Chris: damn true
NAW Chris: as a matter of fact
ocnwo hbk of dx: Even though the lights were off at the time?
ocnwo hbk of dx: I turned them on and off for a while and sat down, then a few minutes later he came out and was just sitting there and I killed him
ocnwo hbk of dx: OH MY GOD
ocnwo hbk of dx: HE'S GONE
NAW Chris: fucking genius spiders
ocnwo hbk of dx: BUT THERE'S PIECES OF HIM ON MY SHOE AND ON THE FLOOR....
ocnwo hbk of dx: HOW IN THE FUCK

Deodorants

ocnwo hbk of dx: What kind of dedoerant do you use sir?
NAW Chris: Brut, but i decided to switch a few days ago
NAW Chris: i don't like the smell of it that much
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh
ocnwo hbk of dx: What did you use before that?
ocnwo hbk of dx: I was using this Right Guard shit, and it wouldn't last all day
NAW Chris: i can't remember. i've used Brut for quite a while
ocnwo hbk of dx: By 2nd block when Weight Training rolled around I smelt bad
ocnwo hbk of dx: And I had this liquid roller-ball shit in my locker and it wouldn't help any at all
ocnwo hbk of dx: So now I'm using speed stick, and its working good
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh
NAW Chris: i should switch to speed stick then
NAW Chris: let's just hope speed stick is good as you say lady speed stick is
 

Dennis' Mom

ocnwo hbk of dx: Sir, my mommy is sitting on the couch waiting for me to get off
ocnwo hbk of dx: She does this every weekend night, sir.
NAW Chris: fine
NAW Chris: she wants you to go so she can talk dirty to me
ocnwo hbk of dx: I'll haunt you in your dreams... or pleasure you
NAW Chris: might as well leave the internet connection up
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha, eww
 

Tomfoolery with Nick's Auto Response

NAW Chris: Nick, do you know of a lame excuse to leave as my auto response to explain why I have a 10 o'clock bedtime? It can just be something to use once, I don't mind. Any suggestions?

Auto response from lNl ii c lk: graduation is tomorrow so i'm getting in a little rest...

NAW Chris: man, that's perfect. thanks
...
ocnwo hbk of dx: So umm Nick, say I'm in a tight squeeze, my Mom makes me go to bed at 11 but I don't really wanna tell the guys that I have a bedtime, and they are going to ask me.. I just know it, Nick, what should I tell them?

Auto response from lNl ii c lk: graduation is tomorrow so i'm getting in a little rest...

Nick and Kim

ilovestarwars89: you're a freak
NAW Chris: i'm not the one who likes 10 year old boys
ilovestarwars89: yes you are
NAW Chris: ...oh
...
NAW Chris: ilovestarwars89: go get yourself raped or something
...
ocnwo hbk of dx: ilovestarwars89: edwin won't leave me alone at school. and today he threatened me by saying that at wild rivers (8th grade day) he's going to show up in a sparkally thong
ocnwo hbk of dx: I bet you're excited
ocnwo hbk of dx: Take pictures
ilovestarwars89: w/e.
ocnwo hbk of dx: There's an empty spot on my wall esspecially for him. Move over Britney Spears
NAW Chris: share, sir. that's all i have to say
ocnwo hbk of dx: I will
NAW Chris: lNl ii c lk: funny...i had a homo friend that cracked more homo jokes than anyone else i knew
NAW Chris: he was probably trying to make you laugh and fall in love with him
ocnwo hbk of dx: Haha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Are you and Nick talking friend-like sir?
NAW Chris: yes
NAW Chris: we also have casual sex
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha
ocnwo hbk of dx: Oh sir
NAW Chris: on occasion... he makes me say that

Auto response from NAW Chris: i'm in the shower and thinking of nick heidecker

Dirty Glasses

NAW Chris: i was getting ready for work this morning in the bathroom and my glasses were dirty so i walked over to the washer and grabbed something to clean them off. so i finish cleaning them off then look down at what i was using and they were my mom's panties
NAW Chris: how disgusting is that?
ocnwo hbk of dx: Ha ewwwwwwww

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